Your Calm as the First Tool in a Crisis: How to Support Your Child's Emotions

Have you ever tried to explain to your child why they can't do something, only to end up talking louder and louder while they cry, scream, or seem not to hear you at all (Weir, 2023)? Maybe afterward you felt guilty for losing your patience, which is understandable when you consider that parenting asks you to keep your own calm while, at the same time, helping your child calm down (Rutherford et al., 2015). These moments can be exhausting, especially when they keep happening, which is why pediatricians recommend taking a break when you need one (Swanson, 2018). What's more, during a crisis the emotional part of the brain can take over and push the thinking part into the background, so that's usually not the best time to explain things or resolve the conflict (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). According to Weir (2023), talking about what happened works better once your child has calmed down, and understanding what they need when they're overwhelmed can help you respond in a safer, more respectful way.

In those moments, the way you support your child can become an important tool, because, as research with mothers and babies has shown, a caregiver's stress can be passed on to the child (Waters et al., 2014). Co-regulation is precisely that mutual adjustment between parents and children, in which the adult offers the support the child needs to manage their emotions and behavior while they develop their own skills (Verhagen et al., 2024). In childhood, adults contribute to this process through back-and-forth interactions in which they respond attentively to the child's signals, such as their crying, gestures, or words (Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, n.d.). A review of studies found that when parents and children manage to stay in tune with each other in a flexible, responsive way during a difficult situation, children show better skills for regulating themselves (Verhagen et al., 2024). According to Verhagen et al. (2024), these results also depend on each family's context, so they don't mean that one strategy always works or that the adult has to control every one of the child's reactions.

What Is Emotional Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation happens when an adult helps a child recognize what they feel, get through an intense emotion, and find safer ways to respond, something children learn largely by watching their family and being supported by them (Morris et al., 2007). This support can include listening, putting the emotion into words, offering comfort, or setting a limit with kindness (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2024). Children develop these skills little by little and at different paces, because regulating emotions requires attention, planning, and the development of thinking and language (Weir, 2023). That's why, in the most stressful moments, children need more support from adults (Weir, 2023). As Morris et al. (2007) explain, the way parents respond to their children's emotions and the emotional climate at home shape how children learn to regulate themselves, so co-regulation doesn't aim to get rid of difficult emotions, but to support the child while they learn to manage them.

Imagine your child is doing homework, makes several mistakes, and ends up crumpling the page while saying they don't want to keep going, a reaction that can show up when a child doesn't yet have the skills to handle what they feel (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). You can read it as a lack of effort and respond with a scolding, or you can see it as a way of telling you that the difficulty was too much for them, because children often express their needs through their behavior (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). One possible response would be: "I can see you're really frustrated; let's take a break and then figure out which part we can solve together," because putting the child's emotion into words and responding to what they need helps them learn to regulate themselves (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2024). According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (2024), it's important for children to know that their feelings are okay even when their behavior isn't, and this phrase acknowledges the frustration without saying it's okay to ruin the page.

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Why Can It Be Hard to Talk During a Crisis?

When a child feels a very intense emotion, the emotional part of the brain can take over and push the part that reasons and looks for solutions into the background (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). On top of that, the skills that make it possible to regulate emotions, such as attention, language, and planning, are still developing throughout childhood (Weir, 2023). In those circumstances, pushing on with long explanations or raising your voice can make the interaction harder, because if the adult starts yelling or panicking, the situation can get worse (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). That's why the advice is to put safety first, speak in a calm voice, and wait until the child feels safe and understood before inviting them to think about what happened (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). According to Weir (2023), it's not worth trying to have that conversation while the child is upset, and it's better to look for calm moments to talk about emotions and how to handle them.

Think about what can happen when it's time to turn off a screen and your child wants to keep playing, a moment when frustration can easily turn into a tantrum (Swanson, 2018). If they start crying, yelling, or insisting that it's unfair, you might try to convince them by explaining over and over why they need to go to bed, or you might end up raising your voice. However, yelling at them or making them feel ashamed doesn't help resolve the situation, and it doesn't improve their behavior in the long run either (Sege et al., 2018). If they're too upset to listen, no explanation may work in that moment, because they first need to feel safe and understood (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). You can stick to your decision and say it briefly: "I know you wanted to keep playing and it makes you angry to stop; time's up, and now we're going to get ready for bed," a phrase that acknowledges the emotion and, at the same time, sets a limit with kindness (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2024). As Swanson (2018) reminds us, being consistent day after day helps make tantrums less intense and less frequent, so calmly holding the limit is also part of supporting your child.

How to Support Your Child Through an Emotional Crisis

Before: Notice What Might Be Raising the Tension

Some meltdowns happen after situations your child finds difficult, such as facing a task they don't yet know how to do or not finding the words to express what they need (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023; Swanson, 2018). Tiredness and hunger also play a part, which is why it's recommended to keep a healthy snack on hand if tantrums happen when your child is hungry, and to make sleep a priority if they happen when your child is tired (Swanson, 2018). Paying attention to your child's surroundings helps you discover what may be causing the stress, without assuming there's only one explanation (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). You can ask yourself whether the meltdowns tend to happen at certain times of day or after demanding days, because recognizing these patterns lets you anticipate stressful situations and take steps to reduce their impact (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). According to Swanson (2018), it also helps to set your child up for success ahead of time so they can do what's being asked of them, instead of waiting for the tension to show up.

If you notice that your child tends to get upset in certain situations, you can talk with them when they're calm and plan together which person, place, or object can help them calm down when they need it (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). If a task feels overwhelming, you can also look for a solution together, for example, by breaking it into small steps or taking a break (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). When there's too much going on around them, it can help to reduce the noise or find a quieter place, because the environment can be one of the sources of a child's stress (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). These steps don't guarantee that the meltdowns will go away, because every child is different and not all strategies work the same way for everyone (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). According to Weir (2023), children develop their skills for managing emotions at different paces, so it's a good idea to watch how your child responds and adjust your strategies instead of sticking with one that isn't helping.

During: Offer Safety and Reduce the Tension

Once the crisis has started, safety comes first, both physical and emotional (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). If your child is at risk of hurting themselves or someone else, you need to stop them and hold them firmly or make it very clear that this behavior is not allowed (Swanson, 2018). Whenever possible, reassure them that they're safe with short phrases such as "I'm here to help you" or "I won't let you hit; I'm going to keep us safe" (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). Use a calm voice and an open, non-threatening posture, for example, with your arms uncrossed and your phone put away (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). According to Swanson (2018), during a tantrum it can also help to give your child control over small things, such as choosing between two simple options.

Your own reaction also deserves attention, because supporting a child through a crisis can stir up frustration, fear, exhaustion, or anger, and parents have the double task of staying regulated themselves while helping their child regulate (Rutherford et al., 2015). The first step is to regulate ourselves so we can co-regulate our children, which is why it's a good idea to pause before speaking if you're very upset (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). A long, slow exhale helps slow your heart rate and calm the stress response, and it's something you can do without leaving your child's side (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). If there's another trusted adult around, taking turns with them when you feel your frustration rising can be a responsible choice (Swanson, 2018). As Weir (2023) recommends, taking a minute to breathe and calm down before you respond helps you avoid reacting on impulse.

After: Talk When You Can Both Listen

Once the intensity has dropped and your child feels safe and understood, you can invite them to think about what happened, without turning the moment into an interrogation (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). Connect with them first, listen to their whole side of the story, show empathy, and ask questions with curiosity, such as "What was the hardest part?" or "What could we try next time?" (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). If they can't yet identify what they felt, you can offer them a few words, such as anger, sadness, fear, or frustration, because helping children name their emotions allows them to recognize what they feel and feel more in control (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). One study found that putting feelings into words reduces the response of the brain areas linked to emotional alarm (Lieberman et al., 2007). According to Weir (2023), teaching children to recognize and name what they feel is part of helping them manage their emotions.

It's also important to go over the behavior and think of a specific alternative for next time, because emotions are okay even when the behavior isn't (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2024). You can acknowledge that your child was very angry while also explaining that hitting, biting, or throwing things is not allowed, since these are behaviors that shouldn't be ignored (Swanson, 2018). Then you can practice other responses together, such as asking for help, saying "I need a break," or using tools that calm the body and mind (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2024). Your child may need to practice these skills many times, because children develop them little by little and at different paces (Weir, 2023). As Weir (2023) points out, children learn more from what they see their parents do than from what they're told, so the way you handle these conversations also teaches them.

What to Say During a Crisis and What to Avoid

During a crisis, the words you choose can convey safety or increase the tension, so it's best to keep them short, clear, and calm (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). Phrases like "You have no reason to cry," "Stop being so dramatic," or "If you keep this up, you'll see" dismiss what the child feels or threaten them, and parenting programs aim precisely to reduce these kinds of responses that downplay emotions (Havighurst et al., 2010). Instead, you can say "I can see this is hard for you," "You can be angry, but I won't let you hit," or "You don't have to explain everything to me right now; I'm here," because emotions are okay even when the behavior isn't (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2024). Validating an emotion doesn't mean agreeing with everything your child says or accepting any behavior, but recognizing their distress and responding to the need behind it (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2024). According to Wang and Kenny (2014), discipline based on yelling and insults was linked to more behavior problems and more symptoms of depression in teens, so a calm, respectful phrase also protects your relationship.

You also don't need to find the perfect phrase or expect your child to calm down as soon as they hear it, because every child is different and responds to different strategies (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). You can repeat a simple message, give them time, and notice whether they need more space or less stimulation, and in some cases, taking them to another room helps shift their focus (Swanson, 2018). Some children welcome physical closeness, while others prefer the adult to stay nearby without touching them, because factors such as temperament influence the way each child handles their emotions (Weir, 2023). If words seem to make the distress worse, it may be more helpful to wait for the most intense part to pass, since many tantrums calm down on their own when no one is at risk (Swanson, 2018). According to Verhagen et al. (2024), the kind of support linked to better outcomes is marked by flexibility, that is, the ability to adjust your response to what your child needs at each moment.

Co-Regulation Doesn't Mean Allowing Everything

Supporting an emotion doesn't mean dropping your limits to avoid tears, buying something because your child is screaming, or letting them hurt other people, because you can offer kindness and limits at the same time (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2024). For example, if your child gets angry because you won't buy them a toy, you can acknowledge their disappointment and stick to your decision, since consistency helps make tantrums less frequent over time (Swanson, 2018). This doesn't mean you can never negotiate, because sometimes giving a little to reach an agreement is fine too (Swanson, 2018). One possible phrase is "I understand that you want it and that you're angry; we're not buying it today," which acknowledges the emotion and holds the limit (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2024). According to Sege et al. (2018), effective discipline aims to teach appropriate behavior and to protect the child and others from the effects of difficult behavior, without resorting to physical punishment or hurtful words.

The difference lies in acknowledging the emotion without accepting dangerous behavior and in holding the limit without humiliating your child (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2024; Sege et al., 2018). You can say "You have every right to be angry, but I won't let you hit" and, once the situation is safe, help them find another way to express what they feel (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2024). If the behavior poses an immediate danger, you don't need to wait for your child to calm down before protecting them and others (Swanson, 2018). Avoid hitting, as well as threats and humiliation, because physical punishment has been linked to a higher risk of behavioral, emotional, and learning problems in children (Sege et al., 2018). In line with Weir (2023), being consistent while also offering comfort helps build a secure bond with your child, and that's exactly what you achieve when you hold a limit without humiliating them.

What if You Lose Your Calm Too?

There are times when exhaustion, worries, or the demands of the day make supporting your child through a crisis especially hard, because financial problems, a lack of support, or chronic health problems make it harder to respond to a child with attention and care (Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, n.d.). Knowing that it's best to speak calmly doesn't mean you'll always be able to, because setting an example is easier said than done, especially in the middle of a tantrum (Weir, 2023). What's more, losing your patience in one moment doesn't define your whole way of parenting, because from the first months of life, mismatches between children and their caregivers are common, and what is linked to healthy development is that they get repaired (Tronick, 1989). If you yell or react in a way you didn't want to, you can talk with your child once you're calmer and explain that your reaction wasn't okay. For example: "I yelled at you earlier, and I shouldn't have. I was angry, but that's no excuse for talking to you that way" (Tronick, 1989). According to Morris et al. (2007), children learn to manage their emotions by watching adults, so seeing their parents repair a mistake also teaches them to take responsibility for what they feel.

If you feel you're about to lose control, take a break once your child is safe or ask another adult to take over, a strategy pediatricians also recommend (Swanson, 2018). If you're afraid you might hurt your child, ask for help right away and don't try to handle the situation without support, because reaching out to other people in stressful moments is one of the most important ways to cope and to teach children to do the same (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). Taking care of your own well-being is also part of supporting your child, especially when meltdowns keep happening, because parents need to be regulated in order to help their children regulate (Rutherford et al., 2015). That's why programs and policies that support caregivers are essential for creating environments where children can thrive (Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, n.d.). According to Havighurst et al. (2010), parents who took part in a program to learn to recognize and regulate their own emotions also improved the way they supported their children's emotions, and their children showed fewer behavior problems.

Do All Children Need the Same Kind of Support?

Not all children express distress in the same way or respond to the same strategies, because the ability to manage emotions also depends on factors such as genetics and temperament (Weir, 2023). Some can explain what they feel in words, while others still get frustrated because they can't fully express themselves and need more time or more support to communicate what's going on (Swanson, 2018). In children with autism, for example, differences in the way they process information and perceive their surroundings can make emotions feel more intense and harder to manage (Mazefsky et al., 2013). In attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, difficulties regulating emotions are also common and can greatly affect daily life (Shaw et al., 2014). According to Mazefsky et al. (2013), in these cases it's best not to automatically read an intense reaction as disobedience, but to understand it as part of a difficulty regulating emotions that may call for more individualized support.

So watch for what helps your child and what seems to increase their tension, without assuming that one technique will work in every situation (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). If physical contact upsets them, don't insist on hugging them; if long explanations overwhelm them, use shorter phrases; and if they need to know about changes ahead of time, try warnings and routines, because responding flexibly to what a child needs is part of good co-regulation (Verhagen et al., 2024). If your child's emotional difficulties continue over time, it's important to seek professional guidance. Understanding how your child expresses and manages their emotions makes it possible to identify what they need and choose a treatment better suited to them (Mazefsky et al., 2013). In attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, for example, the usual treatments often improve emotional difficulties as well (Shaw et al., 2014). According to Morris et al. (2007), each child's traits, such as a stronger tendency to feel intense negative emotions, also influence how they learn to regulate them, so getting to know your child is an essential part of supporting them.

When Should You Seek Professional Help?

It's a good idea to seek help when your child's difficulties managing their emotions significantly interfere with school, health, or family life (Weir, 2023). It's also worth asking for guidance if you notice major changes in their behavior or if you're worried about the way they're reacting, because pediatricians recommend talking with them whenever a behavior is a cause for concern (Swanson, 2018). A psychologist or another mental health professional can help you understand what's contributing to these reactions and what kind of support would be right for your child and your family (Weir, 2023). In addition, there are parenting programs that teach parents to better support their children's emotions and that have been linked to fewer behavior problems in children (Havighurst et al., 2010). According to Sege et al. (2018), pediatricians are a source of guidance for families on how to handle their children's behavior, so you don't have to wait until things get worse to ask for help.

Your Calm Can Help, but It Doesn't Have to Be Perfect

The next time your child goes through a crisis, you don't need to fix everything in a few seconds or find the exact right words, because the first thing is to make sure they're safe, both physically and emotionally (Gilgoff & Bhushan, 2023). Cut back on explanations if they can't hear you, and hold the limit with kindness, since you can offer understanding and limits at the same time (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2024). When you're both calmer, you can go over what happened and talk about what you felt, which is when children can best learn new ways to manage their emotions (Weir, 2023). Research suggests that parents' emotional support during difficult situations is linked to better self-regulation skills in children, although its effect depends on each family's context (Verhagen et al., 2024). According to Tronick (1989), what supports development is not a perfect interaction, but the repeated experience of repairing mismatches and turning difficult moments into calm ones.

And if you lose your patience that day too, you can repair what happened and try again, remembering that your own emotional state also reaches your child and that taking care of it is part of the process (Waters et al., 2014). Your calm is an important tool, but it isn't the only one, since relationships that respond attentively to what a child needs, support for caregivers, and professional guidance are also part of the environment that helps children develop (Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, n.d.). According to Morris et al. (2007), the goal isn't to avoid every difficult emotion, but to help your child get through them safely and learn, little by little, what they can do the next time they feel overwhelmed.

References

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