Who's Right? How to Handle Disagreements Between Caregivers Without Putting Children in the Middle
Picture this scene: a mother tells her son it's time to turn off the tablet, but his grandmother steps in and lets him keep playing a little longer, which is not unusual, considering that in many families grandparents play an important role in caring for children (Sadruddin et al., 2019). The father thinks firmer limits are needed and, within minutes, an everyday decision turns into an argument, because agreeing on how to raise a child isn't always easy, even though it is a central part of sharing parenting (Feinberg, 2003). According to Zhao et al. (2022), when adults have different ideas about how to raise a child and the child ends up caught in the middle of those disagreements, unsure of whom to listen to, emotional and behavioral problems may increase.
Disagreements about parenting can come up in any family, and there are programs that help adults who share the care of a child communicate better and make decisions together (Ramos de Carvalho et al., 2022). According to Harold and Sellers (2018), what affects children most is not that adults have differences, but the way they express and handle them, so the question is not who is always right, but how to talk about those differences without putting the child in the middle.
Why the Way We Resolve Disagreements Matters
Not all differences between adults are harmful in themselves, because what influences children most is how those differences are expressed, how often they come up, and whether they are resolved respectfully (Grych & Fincham, 1990; Harold & Sellers, 2018). When a conversation turns into shouting, threats, or insults, children tend to react with distress, while a calm conversation, with support and signs of affection, helps them feel more secure (Cummings et al., 2003). According to Feinberg (2003), something similar happens when adults undermine each other in front of the child, because when one adult takes authority away from the other, mutual support weakens, and that support is one of the foundations of shared parenting.
In addition, a review of many studies found that children whose caregivers cooperate with each other tend to have fewer emotional and behavioral problems, while conflict between the people raising them is linked to more difficulties (Zhao et al., 2022). That is why it's best not to draw sweeping conclusions from a single argument, since disagreements that are handled constructively are also linked to children feeling more secure (McCoy et al., 2009). According to Ramos de Carvalho et al. (2022), coparenting programs, that is, programs that help adults raise children together, vary widely and build skills such as two-way communication and joint decision-making, so the goal is not to find a single formula or someone to blame, but to identify which situation keeps repeating, what the child needs, and what concrete change the adults could try.
Speaking Firmly Without Attacking
Assertive communication means clearly expressing what we think, feel, or need, and standing up for our point of view without excessive anxiety (Speed et al., 2018). One way to express disagreement without attacking the other person is to speak from what we think or feel, which lets others know where we stand without sounding accusatory (Mayo Clinic Staff, 2024). For example, you can say "I disagree" instead of "You're wrong" to express your position without dismissing the other person's (Mayo Clinic Staff, 2024). So, instead of saying "You always spoil him," a model phrase could be: "I'm worried that we're changing the rule in front of him; can we talk about it later and decide what we'll do next time?" (Mayo Clinic Staff, 2024). This kind of phrase doesn't guarantee that the other person will agree, but it opens a two-way conversation, which is precisely one of the skills these programs work on (Ramos de Carvalho et al., 2022). According to Mayo Clinic Staff (2024), if the conversation starts to heat up, it helps to wait a bit, breathe slowly, and keep your voice even and firm, so you can also say: "I want to work this out with you, but we're both upset right now; let's take a break and come back to it later."
Listening to Understand, Not Just to Respond
Listening doesn't mean agreeing with the other adult or accepting all of their proposals, but trying to understand what worries them before you respond (Weger et al., 2014). Active listening means restating in your own words what the other person said and asking whether you understood correctly, and in one study, people who talked with someone who did this felt more understood than those who received advice or brief replies (Weger et al., 2014). For example, you can say: "I understand you're worried that he'll go to bed late because he has school tomorrow; is that what concerns you most?" (Weger et al., 2014). After listening, each adult can explain their point of view and work with the other to find a solution that meets a specific need of the child, because making decisions together is also one of the goals of these programs (Ramos de Carvalho et al., 2022). According to Feinberg (2003), sharing parenting involves reaching agreements about how to raise children, so if you both get stuck arguing about who is wrong, try this question: "What agreement can we try this week, and when will we check whether it's working?"
Realistic Agreements Between Mom, Dad, and Grandparents
Adults don't need to have the same personality or agree on everything to organize a child's care (Feinberg, 2003). As Feinberg (2003) explains, raising children as a team involves reaching agreements on the essentials, sharing responsibilities, and supporting one another. When grandparents are also involved in raising the child, it's important to define each person's tasks, respect the role of each generation, make decisions together, and keep good communication between parents and grandparents (Xiao & Loke, 2022). In line with Feinberg (2003), it can help to choose two or three priority issues, such as sleep schedules, homework, or screen time, and set a clear rule, decide who will enforce it, and agree on how exceptions will be handled.
If grandparents care for the child on some days, it's better to talk with them before disagreements come up (Xiao & Loke, 2022). You can explain which limits you consider important and listen to the difficulties they face in putting them into practice, since better communication between parents and grandparents is linked to less conflict and more cooperation in parenting (Hoang et al., 2020). According to Xiao and Loke (2022), mutual support between generations is also essential to this collaboration, so a phrase that can help you start that conversation is: "We really appreciate your help; so that he gets a clear message, let's agree on the schedule and on how to let each other know if it needs to change."
When Mom and Dad Live in Different Homes
In separated families, shared parenting also requires agreements about schedules, school, health, rules, and changes in routine (Feinberg, 2003). Lamela and Figueiredo (2016) found that the way parents organize themselves and work together after a separation is linked to their children's emotional well-being. When parents are in frequent conflict, children may show more behavioral problems and more symptoms of anxiety and depression (Lamela & Figueiredo, 2016). In contrast, cooperation, mutual support, and agreements between parents are associated with better emotional health, higher self-esteem, and better school performance (Lamela & Figueiredo, 2016). According to Ramos de Carvalho et al. (2022), some coparenting programs have been designed specifically for divorced parents, although each family's needs and possibilities are different.
When possible and safe, it helps to keep communication focused on specific matters concerning the child and to avoid using the child as a go-between or pressing them for information as they move from one home to the other (Salek & Ginsburg, 2014). Teens who feel caught between their parents tend to have more difficulties, and this feeling is more common when there is a lot of conflict and less common when parents cooperate (Buchanan et al., 1991). That's why, instead of telling the child "Tell your dad I don't agree," a model phrase would be: "I'll write to him directly so we can work it out between ourselves" (Salek & Ginsburg, 2014). According to Miller and Martinez (2026), if talking face to face tends to end in an argument, you can consider brief written messages that stick to the facts and focus on the child, as long as that channel is safe and practical for both of you.
If a Child Witnesses an Argument, You Can Still Repair It
No family handles every conversation perfectly, and the way an argument ends also matters, because children pay attention to whether adults reach an agreement, apologize, or simply walk away (Goeke-Morey et al., 2007). If the child has witnessed an argument, adults can talk to them using words suited to their age, since the effect of conflict depends largely on how the child understands it (Grych & Fincham, 1990). According to Grych et al. (2003), it also helps to acknowledge that there was a disagreement and make clear that the child is not responsible for resolving it, because children who feel threatened by their parents' conflicts or blame themselves for them tend to have more emotional and behavioral difficulties.
A model phrase could be: "We got upset and spoke to each other in a way that wasn't okay; this is a grown-up problem, and it's not your fault" (Grych et al., 2003). Afterward, the adults can talk in private and decide what they will do differently next time, instead of asking the child to take sides or making them feel disloyal to either of them (Salek & Ginsburg, 2014). According to Ramos de Carvalho et al. (2022), if disagreements are frequent or hard to resolve, professional guidance can help, because there are programs that teach adults to regulate their emotions, communicate both ways, and make decisions together.
When to Seek Help and When to Put Safety First
When conversations repeatedly end in insults, agreements aren't kept, or disagreements get in the way of everyday decisions about the child, it can help to see a professional with experience in family work or co-parenting, because conflict between caregivers is linked to more problems in children (Zhao et al., 2022). The way adults handle their conflicts also affects children, whether the adults live together or apart (Harold & Sellers, 2018). According to Ramos de Carvalho et al. (2022), coparenting programs offer strategies to improve communication and coordination between adults, although choosing the right kind of support should take into account each family's needs and circumstances.
However, as the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (2001) points out, seeking help together or turning to mediation is not always appropriate. When there is violence, threats, coercive control, or fear for someone's safety, these options can increase the risks and should not be recommended automatically (Association of Family and Conciliation Courts, 2001). In these cases, the priority is to seek specialized support and, if there is immediate danger, to contact your local emergency services or the police (Mayo Clinic Staff, 2025). According to Feinberg and Kan (2008), some programs to strengthen co-parenting are designed for families in many different circumstances, not only for those going through serious conflict, so asking for help does not mean a family has failed, but that it is looking for tools to relate to each other and make decisions in a safer, more suitable way.
A Final Takeaway
Raising children together doesn't require thinking alike about everything, but it does require trying to talk about differences respectfully so they don't fall on the children, because what affects them most is the way adults handle their disagreements (Harold & Sellers, 2018). Sometimes the first step is not to convince the other adult, but to lower your tone, listen to what worries them, and make a specific request (Mayo Clinic Staff, 2024; Weger et al., 2014). Small, realistic agreements that can be revisited are a good starting point, because agreeing on the basics and supporting each other is the foundation of shared parenting (Feinberg, 2003). According to Miller and Martinez (2026), if a conversation isn't working, taking a break and coming back to it later is usually better than replying in the heat of the moment and ending up in an exchange you later regret.
References
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