Five Mistakes That Undermine Authority at Home and What to Do Instead

Have you ever told your son, "If you don't pick up your toys, no tablet today," and an hour later he's on the tablet while the toys are still on the floor, even though pediatricians recommend being ready to follow through right away on what you said (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2018)? If so, that doesn't make you a bad father or a bad mother, because, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2026), giving clear directions is not always easy and, like any skill, it gets better with practice.

What matters is understanding what your child learns in those moments, without falling into the idea that you have to yell louder to have authority, because yelling, humiliation, and physical punishment do little in the moment and nothing in the long run (Sege et al., 2018). In an official statement from the American Academy of Pediatrics, Sege et al. (2018) also explain that physical punishment can lead to more behavior, learning, and emotional problems, which is why they recommend avoiding it, along with hurtful words.

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What Having Authority Means (and What It Doesn't)

Having authority is not the same as instilling fear: a large review that brought together more than a thousand studies found that children who grow up with warmth and clear rules tend to have somewhat fewer behavior problems, while yelling, threats, and harsh punishment are linked to more problems, even more strongly than other parenting styles (Pinquart, 2017). According to Pinquart (2017), this relationship goes both ways, because a child's difficult behavior can also change the way the adults in their life raise them.

From a neuropsychology perspective, we know that children aren't born knowing how to stop an impulse, remember what they were asked to do while doing something else, or change plans when things don't go as expected (Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, 2012). According to the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University (2012), children are born with the ability to learn these skills, and because the skills keep developing through adolescence and into early adulthood, what children experience with adults every day can help them grow or hold them back.

Five Common Mistakes

Threatening Consequences You Don't Follow Through On

Imagine telling your son, "If you keep throwing sand, we're leaving the park," but ten minutes later he's still throwing sand and you're all still at the park: what you said didn't happen, and according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2026), a consequence only works if you follow through every time. Gardner (1989) observed families in their own homes and found that mothers of young children with more behavior problems let their requests go unenforced more often, and that the less often requests were carried out, the more conflict there was in the family.

It's best to announce only consequences you can actually carry out and, before giving a direction, to ask yourself whether you have the time and energy to follow through, saving it for a moment when you do (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2026). It also helps to explain the consequence calmly and firmly and not to back down after a few minutes, although you should never take away something your child truly needs, such as a meal (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2018). And don't forget to praise your child when they do well or when they try, because, for the American Academy of Pediatrics (2018), paying attention to your child is also a form of discipline.

Negotiating in the Middle of a Meltdown

At the supermarket, your daughter cries and screams because she wants candy, something to be expected in young children who don't yet know how to put into words what frustrates them (Swanson, 2018). You try to reason with her, offer a deal, raise your voice, and end up buying the candy, but in the middle of all that stress, neither of you finds it easy to think calmly (Arnsten, 2009). According to Arnsten (2009), the part of the brain that helps us think calmly and control our impulses is the most sensitive to stress, and even a small amount of tension that we can't control can quickly make it work much worse.

Giving in mid-meltdown can also teach the opposite of what we want, because when an adult ends up giving in, they unknowingly teach the child that yelling or crying works (Smith et al., 2014). A study that followed children from the age of 2 found that this tug-of-war between adult and child increased disobedience over time (Smith et al., 2014). That is why, in a guide published by the American Academy of Pediatrics, Swanson (2018) advises staying calm, staying firm, and waiting for the tantrum to pass before comforting the child, and stepping in right away if the child is in any danger.

Undermining the Other Adult

Dad says there's no more screen time, and Mom replies, in front of the child, "Let him stay on a little longer; don't be so strict"; at that moment, one adult takes authority away from the other, the exact opposite of mutual support, which is one of the foundations of parenting as a team (Feinberg, 2003). For Feinberg (2003), parenting as a team includes agreeing on how to raise the children, sharing the tasks, and supporting each other, and it is a central part of family life because it shapes how parents feel, how they raise their children, and how their children grow.

A review of nearly a hundred studies found that children whose caregivers cooperate with each other tend to have fewer emotional and behavior problems, while fighting, competing, or putting the child in the middle of disagreements is linked to more problems, although the difference is not very large (Zhao et al., 2022). In line with Feinberg (2003) and Zhao et al. (2022), everyone who cares for the child, including grandparents, should agree on the basic rules, back each other up in front of the child, and talk privately about whatever they disagree on, unless something puts the child at risk.

Over - Explaining

You ask your child to put on their shoes and, when they refuse, you spend five minutes explaining why it's cold outside and why you're going to be late, even though young children can only pay attention for very short stretches (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2026). In addition, according to Gathercole et al. (2004), a child's ability to keep several things in mind at once, such as remembering what you asked while doing it, is still developing and keeps improving throughout the school years and into adolescence.

That is why it helps to say exactly what you expect, ask for one thing at a time, and use a calm, firm voice without yelling or pleading (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2026). It's also better to say "Put on your shoes, please" than to ask "Will you put on your shoes?", because a question gives your child the option to refuse (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2026). This doesn't mean you shouldn't explain anything: according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2026), it's best to explain the reason before you ask, for example, "It's cold, so put on your shoes," and, if your child keeps asking "why?" just to stall, to give a warning and follow through rather than keep answering.

Being Inconsistent

On Monday, jumping on the couch is off-limits; on Tuesday, because you're exhausted, you let it slide; on Wednesday, you end up yelling about the same thing, even though the American Academy of Pediatrics (2018) recommends setting clear and consistent rules that children can follow. Being consistent pays off: Kaminski et al. (2008) reviewed programs for mothers and fathers of young children and found that those that taught the importance of consistency led to greater improvements in both parenting and children's behavior.

Predictable adults also help children learn: one study found that babies whose mothers talked to them, looked at them, and touched them in more unpredictable ways later had more difficulty learning and remembering, although that study did not measure discipline (Davis et al., 2017). Being consistent doesn't mean being rigid, either, because letting children make some of their own decisions is also linked to fewer behavior problems (Pinquart, 2017). What does help is keeping the rules the same every day, since, according to Swanson (2018), that consistency helps make tantrums less intense and less frequent.

A Quick Guide for Home

Mistake	Instead of…	Try…
Threats you don't follow through on	"Keep it up and there's no TV for a month."	"If you throw sand again, we're going home," and follow through calmly (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2018).
Negotiating mid-meltdown	"Fine, take the candy, but calm down now."	"I hear you. When you're calmer, we'll talk," and wait calmly for the tantrum to pass (Swanson, 2018).
Undermining the other adult	"Don't listen to your dad; with me, you can."	"Dad already decided; we'll talk about it later, just the two of us" (Feinberg, 2003).
Over-explaining	A five-minute lecture at the door.	"It's cold outside: put on your shoes, please" (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2026).
Inconsistency	Some days yes, some days no, depending on how tired you are.	The same rule every day, even when you're tired (Swanson, 2018).

When to Seek Professional Help

All children feel sad, anxious, irritable, or aggressive at times, and in most cases these are normal stages of development (National Institute of Mental Health, 2024). However, it's a good idea to seek advice if these behaviors last a few weeks or longer, cause a lot of distress, or interfere with the child's school, family, or social life, and to get help right away if the child's behavior is dangerous or if they talk about wanting to hurt themselves or others (National Institute of Mental Health, 2024). According to the National Institute of Mental Health (2024), a good first step is to talk with the child's teachers and pediatrician, who can refer the child to a mental health professional experienced in evaluating children.

It's also worth seeking support if disagreements between the adults become frequent, because conflict between the people raising a child is linked to more emotional and behavior problems in children (Zhao et al., 2022). The same applies if you feel you can only get your child to obey by yelling, since harsh verbal discipline can lead to more behavior and mental health problems (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2018). Parenting programs can help, and Kaminski et al. (2008) found that they work better when parents practice their new skills with their children during the sessions.

References

1. American Academy of Pediatrics. (2018, 5 de noviembre). ¿Cuál es la mejor forma de disciplinar a mi hijo?HealthyChildren.org. https://www.healthychildren.org/Spanish/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Paginas/Disciplining-Your-Child.aspx

2. Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009). Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 410–422. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2648

3. Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2012). InBrief: Executive function. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/inbriefs/inbrief-executive-function/

4. Centros para el Control y la Prevención de Enfermedades. (2016a, 27 de diciembre). Paso 2: Dé la instrucción. https://www.cdc.gov/parents/spanish/essentials/directions/step2.html

5. Centros para el Control y la Prevención de Enfermedades. (2016b, 27 de diciembre). ¿Por qué es importante dar buenas instrucciones? https://www.cdc.gov/parents/spanish/essentials/directions/important.html

6. Davis, E. P., Stout, S. A., Molet, J., Vegetabile, B., Glynn, L. M., Sandman, C. A., Heins, K., Stern, H., & Baram, T. Z. (2017). Exposure to unpredictable maternal sensory signals influences cognitive development across species. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 114(39), 10390–10395. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1703444114

7. Feinberg, M. E. (2003). The internal structure and ecological context of coparenting: A framework for research and intervention. Parenting: Science and Practice, 3(2), 95–131. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327922PAR0302_01

8. Gardner, F. E. (1989). Inconsistent parenting: Is there evidence for a link with children's conduct problems? Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 17(2), 223–233. https://doi.org/10.1007/BF00913796

9. Gathercole, S. E., Pickering, S. J., Ambridge, B., & Wearing, H. (2004). The structure of working memory from 4 to 15 years of age. Developmental Psychology, 40(2), 177–190. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.40.2.177

10. Instituto Nacional de la Salud Mental. (2024). Los niños y la salud mental: ¿Es solo una etapa? (Publicación de NIH Núm. 24-MH-8085S). Departamento de Salud y Servicios Humanos, Institutos Nacionales de la Salud. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/espanol/los-ninos-y-la-salud-mental

11. Kaminski, J. W., Valle, L. A., Filene, J. H., & Boyle, C. L. (2008). A meta-analytic review of components associated with parent training program effectiveness. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 36(4), 567–589. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-007-9201-9

12. Pinquart, M. (2017). Associations of parenting dimensions and styles with externalizing problems of children and adolescents: An updated meta-analysis. Developmental Psychology, 53(5), 873–932. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000295

13. Sege, R. D., Siegel, B. S., Council on Child Abuse and Neglect, & Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health. (2018). Effective discipline to raise healthy children. Pediatrics, 142(6), Artículo e20183112. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2018-3112

14. Smith, J. D., Dishion, T. J., Shaw, D. S., Wilson, M. N., Winter, C. C., & Patterson, G. R. (2014). Coercive family process and early-onset conduct problems from age 2 to school entry. Development and Psychopathology, 26(4, Pt. 1), 917–932. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579414000169

15. Swanson, W. S. (2018, 22 de octubre). Consejos para sobrevivir las rabietas o berrinches. HealthyChildren.org. https://www.healthychildren.org/Spanish/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Paginas/Temper-Tantrums.aspx

16. Tronick, E. Z. (1989). Emotions and emotional communication in infants. American Psychologist, 44(2), 112–119. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.44.2.112

17. Zhao, F., Wu, H., Li, Y., Zhang, H., & Hou, J. (2022). The association between coparenting behavior and internalizing/externalizing problems of children and adolescents: A meta-analysis. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 19(16), Artículo 10346. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph191610346