From Lecturing to Asking: Questions That Help Kids Think and When to Ask Them
Your 7-year-old son comes home from school with a note because he pushed a classmate, and before he can even take off his backpack, you're already explaining what happened, why it was wrong, how he should feel, what he should learn, and what he needs to do next time (Nelsen, 2018). With your 14-year-old daughter, the same scene plays out in different words: you remind her for the tenth time that she needs to get organized with her homework, and she answers grudgingly, because when teenagers feel pressured and controlled, they are more likely to react by pushing back (Van Petegem et al., 2015). In both cases, the lecture comes with all the answers ready-made and leaves your child very little to think about, which is why Nelsen (2018) proposes a simple but powerful shift: stop telling children everything and start asking them, so that they are the ones who explore what happened and what they could do differently.
The good news is that asking isn't just a kinder way to correct; it's a way to put to work the part of the brain that helps children think, make decisions, and put themselves in someone else's shoes (Siegel & Bryson, 2011). What's more, the skills that depend on that part of the brain, such as planning, focusing, and controlling impulses, improve with practice, and adults play a key role in supporting them (Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, 2014). That said, this isn't about memorizing a list of questions and repeating it like a script, but about learning a different way of asking (Nelsen, 2018). According to Nelsen (2018), what matters most is asking with empathy and acceptance, without already having in mind the answer you want to hear, and choosing the right moment to do it.
Why Lectures Don't Land
Lectures often come with reproaches like "You always do the same thing" or "How many times do I have to tell you?", and parents' criticism doesn't go unnoticed by their children's brains (Lee et al., 2015). When children and teenagers listened to critical comments from their own mothers, their brains showed more activity in the areas related to emotions and less in the areas that help control those emotions and understand what the other person is thinking (Lee et al., 2015). In other words, right when you most need your child to listen calmly, criticism fires up their emotional reaction and leaves them fewer resources to think about what you're saying (Lee et al., 2015). According to Lee et al. (2015), understanding how children take their parents' criticism can help us change the way we give feedback, so that it truly helps their behavior and development.
Siegel and Bryson (2011) explain that the brain has a more reactive part, the downstairs brain, which responds quickly and defensively when something upsets us, and another part that matures more slowly, the upstairs brain, which helps us think calmly, make decisions, and put ourselves in someone else's shoes. Orders, threats, and long speeches tend to fire up a child's downstairs brain, while questions, looking for alternatives, and even negotiating put the upstairs brain to work (Siegel & Bryson, 2011). For example, with a child who doesn't want to take a bath, "Because I said so!" can end in a fight, while "Can you think of a way to make bath time more fun?" invites them to come up with a solution (Siegel & Bryson, 2011). As Siegel and Bryson (2011) clarify, this doesn't mean giving up on limits, but helping children use the part of the brain that can think instead of the part that only reacts.
What a Good Question Does to the Brain
The upstairs brain is under construction throughout childhood and adolescence and, like a muscle, it gets stronger the more it's used (Siegel & Bryson, 2011). Many of the abilities that depend on it are part of executive functions, that is, the skills that allow us to plan, focus, remember instructions, and juggle several tasks at once (Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, 2012). Children aren't born with these skills, but with the potential to develop them, and the experiences and relationships they have with adults influence how they do so (Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, 2012). As Siegel and Bryson (2011) explain, every time you ask your child what they would do in a difficult situation or how they think someone else felt, you give them a chance to exercise that part of their brain.
Asking your child to explain in their own words how they solved something also helps them learn (Rittle-Johnson, 2006). When children between the ages of 8 and 11 explained how they had solved some math problems, they learned and remembered the correct way to solve them better, and they were also able to apply what they had learned to new problems (Rittle-Johnson, 2006). Something similar happens with younger children: in 2-year-olds who were playing with their dads, what was related to their vocabulary wasn't how many words their fathers said, but the questions that began with "what," "where," "how," or "why" (M. L. Rowe et al., 2017). Those questions were also related to better reasoning skills a year later, and the children answered them more often and with longer sentences than other questions (M. L. Rowe et al., 2017). As M. L. Rowe et al. (2017) explain, these questions are a small challenge because they require children to answer in their own words, and that effort likely helps them learn new words and reason better.
Questions are also a way to talk about what has already happened, like an outing, a birthday party, or a hard day at school, and the way adults remember those moments with children makes a difference (Fivush et al., 2006). When adults talk with children about their experiences, ask open-ended questions, and help them expand their memories, they support the development of memory and language (Fivush et al., 2006). These conversations have also been linked to a stronger bond between children and their caregivers and to a better understanding of who they are, of their own emotions, and of what other people think and feel (Fivush et al., 2006). As Fivush et al. (2006) suggest, remembering together goes beyond sharing family moments: it is a chance for children to learn to tell their experiences, understand what they feel, and build their own story out of what they live.
Questions That Help Kids Think
Not all questions invite thinking, because a question like "Why did you do that?" tends to sound like an accusation and puts children on the defensive (Nelsen, 2018). The ones that help are open-ended questions, meaning those that can't be answered with a simple "yes" or "no" and have no right or wrong answer (United Nations Children's Fund, n.d.). That doesn't mean the word "why" is off-limits, since a question like "Why do you think it upset you when your friend said that?" shows interest in their point of view instead of looking for someone to blame (United Nations Children's Fund, n.d.). According to Nelsen (2018), "why" works when children feel you truly want to know what they think, so the difference lies less in the word and more in the tone and intention behind your question.
To understand what happened: instead of starting with a reproach, you can describe what you see without judging, as in "I see the math homework still isn't done" (Lott & Nelsen, n.d.). Then invite your child to tell you what happened with questions like "What happened?" or "What happened next?" (Lott & Nelsen, n.d.). You can also ask "What were you trying to accomplish?" to help them recognize the intention behind their actions, from a place of empathy rather than criticism (Nelsen, 2018). Finally, questions like "What do you think caused this to happen?" let them explore the causes of what happened and reflect on their own decisions (Lott & Nelsen, n.d.). According to Lott and Nelsen (n.d.), this kind of question encourages reflection and helps children understand their actions without feeling judged.
To name what they feel: a question like "How do you feel about what happened?" gives your child the chance to think about their own emotion, instead of you telling them how they should feel (Nelsen, 2018). With teenagers, an open-ended question like "Could you explain what you mean by…?" helps them explain themselves better and understand what they feel (United Nations Children's Fund, n.d.). According to the United Nations Children's Fund (n.d.), if you then acknowledge and accept what they tell you, you help them accept their emotions and feel safe expressing them.
To put themselves in someone else's shoes: questions like "How do you think your brother felt when you took his toy?" invite your child to think about others and help them develop empathy (Siegel & Bryson, 2011). With teenagers, questions like "Why do you think he bumped into you?" or "Can you think of another explanation?" also work well (Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, 2014). According to the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University (2014), questions like these guide their thinking and help them consider other explanations for what other people do.
To find solutions: instead of telling them what to do, you can ask "What ideas do you have to fix what happened?" or "What could you do so it goes differently next time?" (Lott & Nelsen, n.d.). Letting them make small decisions and thinking through with them what could happen with each option is a good way to exercise the part of the brain that helps us decide (Siegel & Bryson, 2011). According to Nelsen (2018), helping children explore the consequences of their choices is very different from imposing consequences on them, because imposing them often invites rebellion and defensiveness instead of thinking.
To learn from what happened: once things have calmed down, questions like "What did you learn from this?" or "How can you use what you learned next time?" help your child see what they can take away from a mistake (Nelsen, 2018). With teenagers, it also helps to review together what worked and what didn't after finishing an assignment or a project (Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, 2014). According to the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University (2014), these conversations help them recognize that an experience, especially a failure, can also offer lessons.
When to Ask and When to Wait
The best time to ask is almost never in the middle of a fight or a meltdown, because if you or your child are upset, the most helpful thing is to wait until you've both calmed down (Nelsen, 2018). When children are overwhelmed, they first need to feel understood, so it helps to come closer, speak calmly, and validate what they feel before thinking together about what happened (Siegel & Bryson, 2011). For example, if your 6-year-old daughter tore up her brother's drawing in the middle of a fight, the conversation about what happened and how to make it right may go much better after dinner than in the middle of the shouting (Nelsen, 2018). It also helps to choose a quiet place and give your child time to rest if they come home tired from school, and the same goes for you if you're the one who gets home exhausted (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2025). According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (2025), being sensitive to the times and places that are good for talking is one of the keys to good communication with your children.
After asking a question, give your child time to think, because M. B. Rowe (1986) observed that teachers in class usually wait one second or less before speaking again, which leaves very little room for students to think through their answers. When teachers learned to wait about three seconds, students gave longer and more thoughtful answers, responded with more confidence, and participated more, including those who almost never spoke up (M. B. Rowe, 1986). At home, this means resisting the urge to fill the silence with another question or with your own answer while your child is still thinking (M. B. Rowe, 1986). According to M. B. Rowe (1986), slowing down can actually be a way of speeding up, because those seconds of silence give children the time they need to think and answer better.
That said, questions are meant to invite thinking, not to disguise an order, because when you need your child to do something, a question like "Could you put your toys away?" gives them the option to say no (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2026). Questions that are really scolding or mockery, like "Do you think that was nice?", don't help either, because when talking with children it's best to stay away from sarcasm, hurtful teasing, blaming, and belittling (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2025). In line with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2026), when it comes to a direction, it's best to tell your child exactly what to do, for example, "Put your toys in the closet," instead of asking whether they want to do it.
How to Adjust Questions by Age
With Young Children
With children ages 2 to 5, questions work best when they're simple and start from what they're seeing or doing at that moment, like "What is the dog doing?" or "Where do you think the ball is hiding?" (M. L. Rowe et al., 2017). After an outing or a visit to their grandparents, you can also remember together what you did with questions like "What did you like most?" or "What did we do next?", and add details to what they tell you (Fivush et al., 2006). If something scared them or made them sad, like a fall at the park, you can help them tell the story of what happened with questions like "And then what happened?" or "How did you feel?" (Siegel & Bryson, 2011). According to Siegel and Bryson (2011), telling what happened and putting a name to what they feel helps children calm that emotion and make sense of what they went through.
With School-Age Children
At school age, your child can already explain how they did something, so questions like "How did you solve it?" or "How did you know that was the answer?" help them better understand what they did and use it in other tasks (Rittle-Johnson, 2006). It's also a good age to play "What would you do if…?", for example, "What would you do if a classmate made fun of someone at recess?", because imagining situations and deciding how to act exercises the upstairs brain (Siegel & Bryson, 2011). If they get frustrated with homework, instead of solving it for them, you can ask "Which part do you already understand?" or "What have you tried so far?" so they keep thinking with your support (Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, 2014). According to the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University (2014), at this age it's important to gradually increase the complexity of games and activities, and questions can follow the same path, from the simplest ones to those that require more thinking.
With Teenagers
In adolescence, the questions that bring you closer are the ones that show interest in what your child thinks, because asking for their opinion and their point of view helps you understand how they feel (United Nations Children's Fund, n.d.). Their brain is still maturing, especially the part that helps them plan, set priorities, and make good decisions, but it is also ready to learn and adapt (National Institute of Mental Health, 2023). That's why, instead of organizing their life for them, you can help them set goals and break them into steps with questions like "What do you want to accomplish this semester?" or "What could go wrong, and how would you handle it?" (Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, 2014). Once the plan is underway, it also helps them to learn to check it with questions like "Is this part of the plan?", "If not, why am I doing it?", or "Has something changed?" (Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, 2014). According to the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University (2014), the most important thing is that those goals are meaningful to the teen and not imposed by others.
A Quick Guide for Home
Situation | Instead of… | Try… |
Your 3-year-old daughter comes home happy from the park | "Did you have fun?" | "What did you like most about the park?" and wait calmly for her answer. |
Your 4-year-old son hit his sister because she took his toy | "Why did you hit her? How many times do I have to tell you?" | Wait until he calms down, then ask, "What happened?" and "How do you think your sister felt?" |
Your 6-year-old son has to pick up his toys | "Do you want to pick up your toys?" | "Please put your toys in the box." |
Your 8-year-old son doesn't understand a math problem | Solve the problem for him step by step. | "Show me how you tried it. Which part do you already understand?" |
Your 14-year-old daughter got a bad grade | "I told you so. That's what happens when you're on your phone all day." | "What do you think happened? What could you do differently for the next test?" |
Your 16-year-old son wants to go to a party | A lecture about all the dangers of parties. | "How are you planning to get home? What would you do if something doesn't go as planned?" |
References
American Academy of Pediatrics. (2025, December 15). Communication dos and dont's. HealthyChildren.org. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Communication-Dos-and-Donts.aspx
Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2012). InBrief: Executive function. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/inbriefs/inbrief-executive-function/
Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2014, May 6). Activities guide: Enhancing and practicing executive function skills with children from infancy to adolescence. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/handouts-tools/activities-guide-enhancing-and-practicing-executive-function-skills/
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2026, April 30). Tips for giving directions. https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/communication/giving-directions.html
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Lott, L., & Nelsen, J. (n.d.). Sample conversational curiosity questions. Positive Discipline. https://www.positivediscipline.com/sites/default/files/sample-curiosity-questions.pdf
National Institute of Mental Health. (2023). The teen brain: 7 things to know (NIH Publication No. 23-MH-8078). U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, National Institutes of Health. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-7-things-to-know
Nelsen, J. (2018, September 30). Curiosity questions. Positive Discipline. https://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/curiosity-questions/
Rittle-Johnson, B. (2006). Promoting transfer: Effects of self-explanation and direct instruction. Child Development, 77(1), 1–15. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2006.00852.x
Rowe, M. B. (1986). Wait time: Slowing down may be a way of speeding up! Journal of Teacher Education, 37(1), 43–50. https://doi.org/10.1177/002248718603700110
Rowe, M. L., Leech, K. A., & Cabrera, N. (2017). Going beyond input quantity: Wh-questions matter for toddlers' language and cognitive development. Cognitive Science, 41(Suppl. 1), 162–179. https://doi.org/10.1111/cogs.12349
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child's developing mind. Delacorte Press.
United Nations Children's Fund. (n.d.). 11 tips for communicating with your teen. https://www.unicef.org/parenting/child-care/11-tips-communicating-your-teen
Van Petegem, S., Soenens, B., Vansteenkiste, M., & Beyers, W. (2015). Rebels with a cause? Adolescent defiance from the perspective of reactance theory and self-determination theory. Child Development, 86(3), 903–918. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.12355
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