Validating Isn't Agreeing: How to Support Your Child's Emotions Without Giving In on Limits
You tell your 4-year-old daughter it's time to turn off the tablet, she throws herself on the floor crying and yells that you're "the worst mom in the world," and in that moment it seems there are only two options: tell her "It's not a big deal" or give the tablet back so she calms down (Miller, 2025). With a teenager, the scene might be a slammed door after a "no" to a party, and the way you react also affects how much they'll tell you later on (Tilton-Weaver et al., 2010). However, there's a third option, one that means neither giving in nor ignoring what your child feels: acknowledging their emotion while holding the limit (Eanes, 2015). According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2026b), the idea comes down to one simple sentence: all emotions are acceptable, but not all behaviors are.
Validating doesn't mean approving of everything your child does or asks for, but acknowledging what they feel and helping them accept their emotions and feel safe expressing them (Eanes, 2015; United Nations Children's Fund, n.d.). This matters because the way parents react to their children's emotions shapes how children learn to handle those emotions and get along with others (Eisenberg et al., 1996). For example, when parents learn to recognize and name their children's emotions, children understand their own feelings better and have fewer behavior problems (Havighurst et al., 2010). That said, as Eanes (2015) points out, validating emotions is only half the job, because the other half is teaching your child what to do with what they feel.
What Validating Is (and What It Isn't)
Validating means acknowledging your child's emotion, naming it, and letting them know it makes sense to feel that way, even if you don't agree with what they did or what they're asking for (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2026b; Eanes, 2015). With a young child, phrases like "It seems like you are upset" or "I see that your blocks fell. Are you feeling angry?" help them notice what they feel and put it into words (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2026b). With a teenager, it might sound like this: "It's understandable that you're feeling angry right now, I would feel the same if it were me" (United Nations Children's Fund, n.d.). According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2026b), listening to your child and showing that you understand what they feel helps them learn to notice and name their emotions and supports their emotional well-being.
Validating doesn't mean agreeing with your child, giving in to what they ask for, or letting them do whatever they want because they're sad or angry (Eanes, 2015). The opposite of validating is invalidating, that is, rejecting or dismissing what the other person feels, for example, with a "Stop overreacting" or a "That's nothing" (Eanes, 2015; Herr et al., 2015). When teens feel their concerns are being brushed off, they may feel their feelings are being invalidated and end up feeling frustrated, alone, or hurt (United Nations Children's Fund, n.d.). As Eanes (2015) explains, the heart of positive parenting is being understanding and, at the same time, firm and decisive.
Myths and Realities About Validating
Myth 1: "Validating Means Agreeing"
Reality: Validating means acknowledging what your child feels, not approving of what they do or giving them what they ask for (Eanes, 2015). You can say "I understand you're upset about turning off the tablet" and still turn it off, because emotions and behavior are two different things (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2026b). That way, your child learns that their feelings matter to you, but that the limits on what they do still apply (Eanes, 2015). The example the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2026b) gives makes this clear: "It's ok to feel angry, but it's not ok to throw our blocks."
Myth 2: "If I Validate Their Emotion, They'll Throw More Tantrums"
Reality: What usually keeps tantrums coming back isn't validating, but giving in, because when a child gets what they want by throwing a tantrum, they learn that the behavior works (Miller, 2025). That's why it helps to stay calm, hold firm, and be consistent every day, since this makes tantrums less intense and less frequent (Swanson, 2018). What's more, when parents learn to support their children's emotions instead of dismissing them, children's behavior problems decrease (Havighurst et al., 2010). According to Miller (2025), it's also worth acknowledging and praising your child every time they make an effort to calm down.
Myth 3: "Telling Them It's Not a Big Deal Helps Them Calm Down"
Reality: Minimizing what a child feels, with phrases like "It's not a big deal" or "Stop crying," has been linked to weaker social skills and a tendency to avoid problems instead of facing them (Eisenberg et al., 1996). In preschoolers, parents' harsh reactions to negative emotions, especially when the parents were very stressed, were linked to more intense emotions and more difficulty getting along with others (Fabes et al., 2001). In contrast, helping the child solve what was bothering them was linked to better social skills and better ways of coping with difficulties (Eisenberg et al., 1996). According to Herr et al. (2015), even in adults who struggle to manage their emotions, feeling validated reduced aggression compared with feeling invalidated.
Myth 4: "Validating Doesn't Work With Teenagers"
Reality: When teens tell their parents something and get a negative reaction, they feel more controlled and less close to them, and over time they share less and keep more secrets (Tilton-Weaver et al., 2010). Positive reactions, on the other hand, make them feel more connected to their parents, which encourages them to keep sharing what's going on in their lives (Tilton-Weaver et al., 2010). Validating what your teen expresses helps them accept their emotions and feel safe expressing themselves (United Nations Children's Fund, n.d.). In line with the United Nations Children's Fund (n.d.), a phrase like "Sorry to hear you're feeling stressed. I would feel that way too if I were in your shoes" can help them feel heard.
All Emotions Are Allowed, Not All Behaviors
Your child may feel angry, sad, scared, or frustrated, and all of these emotions are acceptable (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2026b). What you can guide is what your child does with them, which is why it helps to acknowledge and accept the emotion first and then set limits on hurtful behavior when needed (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2026b). When you accept the emotion and limit the behavior, you teach your child that their emotions are a normal part of being human (Eanes, 2015). As Eanes (2015) shows, a phrase like "You're mad. I get it; however, I won't let you push people down. Come and sit with me until you're calm" validates the emotion and sets the limit at the same time.
What's more, a limit doesn't need yelling or humiliating punishments, because hitting, yelling, and humiliation don't work well to correct behavior and can affect children's physical and mental health in the long run (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2018). What does help is calmly explaining what will happen if the behavior happens again and being ready to follow through right away (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2018). It's also best to wait until the emotion settles before talking about what happened, because correction works better after the storm has passed than in the middle of it (Eanes, 2015). In line with Miller (2025), staying calm and making your expectations for behavior clear is key in those moments.
How to Validate Without Giving In on Limits
With young children, start by noticing the emotion and connecting with your child, then listen and name what they feel in simple words, such as "It seems like you're really angry because tablet time is over" (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2026b). Then calmly hold the limit, for example, "I understand you want to keep playing, but the tablet goes off now," and wait for the emotion to settle before explaining more (Eanes, 2015). If the tantrum continues, stay firm and wait for it to pass, because giving in at that moment teaches your child that crying or yelling is the way to get what they want (Miller, 2025; Swanson, 2018). According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2026b), the last step is to find good solutions together, such as agreeing that they can use the tablet for a while tomorrow after lunch.
With teenagers, validating starts with listening without judging, showing interest, and letting them see that you understand what they're going through (United Nations Children's Fund, n.d.). If they ask for permission to do something and the answer is no, you can acknowledge their frustration and stand by your decision: "I know you're upset about missing the party, and I understand you want to go, but the answer is still no" (Eanes, 2015). Avoid reacting negatively, for example, with anger or scolding, when they tell you something difficult, because those reactions can make them tell you less in the future (Tilton-Weaver et al., 2010). According to Van Petegem et al. (2015), regardless of the rules at home, a parenting style that pressures and controls too much sparks more defiance in teens, and that defiance is linked to more behavior and emotional problems.
A Quick Guide for Home
Situation | Instead of… | Try… |
Your child cries because tablet time is over | "It's not a big deal, stop crying." | "I understand you're sad, and it's time to turn it off now." |
Your child hits their brother because he took a toy | "Don't get so upset over a toy!" | "You're really angry, and I won't let you hit him. Come here, let's breathe together." |
Your child throws a tantrum at the supermarket because they want candy | Buy the candy so they calm down. | Say, "I know you really want it, and we're not buying it today," and calmly wait for it to pass. |
Your child doesn't want to go to school because they're scared | "That's silly, there's nothing to be afraid of." | "It seems like something about school is worrying you. Will you tell me what it is?" |
Your teenage son gets angry because you won't let him go to a party | "You always make a big deal out of everything." | "I understand you're angry about missing it, I'd feel the same way, and the answer is still no." |
Your teenage daughter tells you she did badly on a test | "I told you so. That's what you get for not studying." | "That must be frustrating. What do you think happened, and how can I help?" |
When to Seek Professional Help
Tantrums and disagreements are part of development, but it's a good idea to seek help if angry outbursts happen much more often than in other children the same age, if they persist over time, or if they cause serious problems at home, at school, or with friends (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2026a). It's also a warning sign when tantrums continue beyond the age when they're typical, because this may mean the child is struggling to manage what they feel (Miller, 2025). In general, it's worth seeking help if sadness, irritability, or anger lasts several weeks, causes a lot of distress, or gets in the way of daily life (National Institute of Mental Health, 2024). And if your child's behavior is dangerous or if they talk about wanting to hurt themselves or someone else, the National Institute of Mental Health (2024) advises getting help right away.
The first step is to talk with the pediatrician or another health care provider, who can recommend an evaluation by a mental health specialist (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2026a). In many cases, what helps most is for parents to learn, with professional support, new ways to respond to their children's emotions and handle their behavior (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2026a; Havighurst et al., 2010). In line with Havighurst et al. (2010), when parents learn to recognize and name their children's emotions, it improves not only children's understanding of emotions but also the way parents themselves recognize and manage their own feelings.
References
American Academy of Pediatrics. (2018, November 5). What's the best way to discipline my child? HealthyChildren.org. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Disciplining-Your-Child.aspx
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2026a, May 15). Behavior or conduct problems in children. https://www.cdc.gov/children-mental-health/about/about-behavior-or-conduct-problems-in-children.html
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2026b, April 30). Tips for noticing and naming emotions. https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/noticing-and-naming/emotion-coaching.html
Eanes, R. (2015, October 6). Positive parenting: Accept feelings, limit actions. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/positive-parenting-accept-feelings-limit-actions/
Eisenberg, N., Fabes, R. A., & Murphy, B. C. (1996). Parents' reactions to children's negative emotions: Relations to children's social competence and comforting behavior. Child Development, 67(5), 2227–2247.
Fabes, R. A., Leonard, S. A., Kupanoff, K., & Martin, C. L. (2001). Parental coping with children's negative emotions: Relations with children's emotional and social responding. Child Development, 72(3), 907–920. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8624.00323
Havighurst, S. S., Wilson, K. R., Harley, A. E., Prior, M. R., & Kehoe, C. (2010). Tuning in to Kids: Improving emotion socialization practices in parents of preschool children—findings from a community trial. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 51(12), 1342–1350. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1469-7610.2010.02303.x
Herr, N. R., Jones, A. C., Cohn, D. M., & Weber, D. M. (2015). The impact of validation and invalidation on aggression in individuals with emotion regulation difficulties. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 6(4), 310–314. https://doi.org/10.1037/per0000129
Miller, C. (2025, May 5). How to handle tantrums and meltdowns. Child Mind Institute. https://childmind.org/article/how-to-handle-tantrums-and-meltdowns/
National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Children and mental health: Is this just a stage? (NIH Publication No. 24-MH-8085). U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, National Institutes of Health. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/children-and-mental-health
Swanson, W. S. (2018, October 22). Consejos para sobrevivir las rabietas o berrinches [Tips for surviving temper tantrums]. HealthyChildren.org. https://www.healthychildren.org/Spanish/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Paginas/Temper-Tantrums.aspx
Tilton-Weaver, L., Kerr, M., Pakalniskeine, V., Tokic, A., Salihovic, S., & Stattin, H. (2010). Open up or close down: How do parental reactions affect youth information management? Journal of Adolescence, 33(2), 333–346. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2009.07.011
United Nations Children's Fund. (n.d.). 11 tips for communicating with your teen. https://www.unicef.org/parenting/child-care/11-tips-communicating-your-teen
Van Petegem, S., Soenens, B., Vansteenkiste, M., & Beyers, W. (2015). Rebels with a cause? Adolescent defiance from the perspective of reactance theory and self-determination theory. Child Development, 86(3), 903–918. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.12355
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